When I was little, I always looked up to my brother as my biggest role model and idol. I knew he could be mean sometimes, but ultimately, older siblings are people you want to be just like. As I grew, I started to learn about mental illness. This was when I began to realize that my brother struggles with a lot of mental issues. I noticed how he got in more fights with my parents and I, and generally didn't want anything to do with us. Starting high school was when we really started to drift apart. He would get mad at me for things that I didn't mean to do. Every day it was something new. One day, I remember getting into a pretty big argument with him to the point of not only emotional and verbal, but also physical abuse. This was the point in my life where I developed anxiety and depression. Knowing that I have such a deep love for my brother in a situation where he doesn't feel the same really hurts. His senior year in high school was when he really started going downhill. He started smoking a lot, drinking, vaping, and really just destroying his body and mind because he did it so excessively. For some reason, the times where he was nicest to me was when he wasn't sober. Eventually, he was just wasted all the time. This lead to us getting a little closer because he was just nicer on drugs. We hung out all the time. I was so happy at this time because all I ever wanted was for him to love me back. He got a boyfriend the summer before he left for college. It was a pretty serious relationship. They hung out all the time and I didn't really see him much before he left. We dropped him off at the end of the summer and it was heartbreaking. I had just gotten close to him. He didn't last too long there. He didn't go to his classes and ended up taking a medical leave so that he didn't fail out. He ended up coming back home and rented an apartment with his boyfriend and two of his other friends. I went over there and hung out with him as often as I could. Soon enough, his relationship ended. This ruined everything. He was so in love with this boy to the point that it hurt. This really pushed him over the edge. He went crazy. This was at the beginning of quarantine so I couldn't help him through it. Every day was a new reason to freak out. It built up so much to the point that he chased this kid down the street with a knife. He started to calm down and we ended up at the same audition for a musical. I seem to always forget that he takes jokes too literally. When I first saw him, I flipped him off as a joke. This really seemed to set him off. He started to scream at me and go crazy in front of a bunch of kids. This caused the directors to kick him out of the show. The next morning, I woke up to the worst thing I could imagine. After a whole year of getting along with him, I opened my phone to a text telling me that he hopes I kill myself. This truly broke me. I thought he finally loved me. As a younger sister, I am always searching for his approval. That text was starting to make me consider ending my life. Not in a depressing way, just me thinking it would make him happier. I went a whole month without speaking a word to him or seeing him at all. One morning, I woke up to him screaming at my parents. I realized he was still yelling about his ex-boyfriend and blaming my parents for their break up. My parents had nothing to do with it. I opened my door, and my bedroom has large windows that lead to the front of the house. As soon as I left my room, my brother sprinted in, opened the windows, and tried to jump out. A ton of stuff happened that morning that is weird to go into detail about, but he is still alive. Eventually, it led to us having to call the cops, and they came along with an ambulance and took my brother to a mental hospital. After doing tests, they discovered that he had cocaine, ecstasy, marijuana, and carpet cleaner in his system. He was really trying to kill himself that day. He was on a 72-hour hold in the hospital, and during that time, my parents decided to get a restraining order. This was a really hard decision because my mom is the most amazing human ever, and as much as my brother hurts her, she still wants to be there for him. We broke the restraining order pretty soon after we got it because my mom couldn't help but be a mom. She needed to make sure he was okay. Now, he has moved to Boston, blocked me on everything, and I am yet to speak to him. I really miss him. I just wish I could be friends with him again. It's all I want.
At the beginning of quarantine, I felt anxious and worried about the coronavirus. I was nervous because I didn't know a lot about it or what was really happening. Late this summer I started feeling not so much scared and worried but angrier. I thought over and over to myself, "if people were just being more responsible then we would be in much better shape." Now I feel a mixture of both and something I wonder a lot is "when will this be over?"
This summer was one of the loneliest I've had. I felt like I had to give people space. I feel I have been competing for people's attention for months now and I hate it and I hate how it makes my friends feel. I just thought this summer I'd give everyone their space and I did! It was a little hard but I was able to and then once school started it felt amazing to be back, though it still feels like constant competition. It tires me out, and hurts. This isn't very poetic and it's not a sob story, but It's just one of the rougher things Ive had to go through lately, I've had breakups and I've gotten through them really well but it still seems to come back and hurt me. I wish I could just stay out of it.
HOW SWITCHING SCHOOLS AFFECTED ME
When I was in the 6th grade and still living in the same place, I had a really good group of friends, consisting of about 6 guys, and we would hang out basically every weekend, and when we weren't doing that we were on Skype playing Minecraft most of the time. So, at that time I was pretty damn happy, that was until I learned about a different private school in my area.
I wanted to switch schools, the main reason being that this private school didn't have any homework whatsoever. Unbeknownst to me, however, the school had a little under 15 people, majority of the time it was outside learning (which I don't like).There was only one other kid my age, and he was so shy that I think in the few months I was at the school we had around the same amount of conversations as I have fingers. Only after one semester, I ended up leaving the school.
On the bright side, I had ended up meeting a couple guys from a mutual friend in the same grade before I had left, and we ended up becoming really good friends, so I at least a couple friends I would talk to consistently.
After I had left the school, my dad announced to my family that we were gonna be moving away. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I felt like complete and utter shit. By this point, I was still in slight contact with my old friends, but it was loose. I knew after we moved, I probably wouldn't ever see my friends again. This ended up being the case, but even worse the guys I mentioned earlier that I had met with the help of a mutual friend had suddenly and without explanation just cut off contact with me. By this point, I had started to become suicidal. My parents and I decided to do homeschool for my 8th grade year, and this year would end up to be probably the worst year of my life, by far.
For 8th grade, I had quite literally no friends, I didn't like my sister who was also homeschooling, and while I love her with every fabric of my soul, my mom wasn't amazing at homeschooling and teaching. It was probably around this year or last year that I had developed social anxiety and derealization/depersonalization. My mom tried, in vain, to attend some little homeschooler events to help me make friends, but it consistently failed, and I would end up feeling worse afterwards. Once I approached my 9th grade year, I enrolled into a small school. My sister joined the school as well, and she seemed to have a great time with the school, as she made friends with people in about 2-3 weeks. Throughout probably my 3-4ish months at the school, I still can't really consider anybody at that school a friend. Maybe an acquaintance, but certainly not a friend.
I left September before the end of the semester, and opted to do work from home until the end of the semester.
So, about 3 full years of not having friends (excluding online), 3 different schools, and a whole lot of therapy later I ended up at a small private school. So far, I still wouldn't say that I've had much luck. I joined in the second semester, so I was a bit of a stranger to everyone and wasn't able to do the backpacking trip at the start of every year that usually brings new kids together. And because at this point my social anxiety had become so bad at this point, even after a full god damn semester at this school I'd say I still don't have friends outside of school. Although, at this point I don't even know what qualifies as being someone's friend. Asking them "hey do you wanna be my friend"? Hanging out in real life or online? I honestly haven't got a clue. During my 5 month quarantine however, I started to become a lot better and happier through my absolutely awesome therapist. Things started to look up, I thought, but then right before the backpacking trip that brings everyone together, I get conveniently fucking sick. For only one day, too. And as a further slap in the face from whatever god is above, once everyone comes back it's difficult to tell who is new and who's been to the school before, since it seems as though everyone knows everyone.
SPIRITUAL ABUSE IS REAL OF COURSE
As you might not know I once had a therapist who was obviously part of a cult. Why do I say that...... well it’s because I identify as anything other than male or female (non-binary), I believe in multiple gods (Hawaiian, Greek, Chinese, Egyptian) and this therapist was against all of that, she solely believed that there should only be 1 god, 2 genders and love should be pure between 1 man and 1 woman (she also doesn’t like the fact we teach sex Ed to 11 year old, she thinks it’s taboo) not to mention she’s ableist, thinking it’s a sin (or something like an excuse) to take medication for a chronic disorder I can’t control (I have seizures) and also she created this whole conspiracy theory that I developed seizures at the age of 10 when I told her (and medical documents said) that I developed seizures at 2 and doctors believe I was possibly born with it.
She would constantly preach around me and make me uncomfortable, she would also force me to do things I didn’t want to like get a job somewhere I didn’t want to work or forced me to work.
Haven’t I told you she’s also against tattoos? No..... well ironically I told her about my plans to get one soon and she freaked out and at the same time does not understand the process of getting a tattoo (trust me, it’s a painful process because my dad has tattoos and it’s nothing that’ll just fade after a few days) so she talked about going to the tattoo shop to see what it’s all about, thankfully I broke up with her before it even happened because if she’d taken me she would’ve had me inked or bullied me into getting a tattoo I didn’t even want ( I remember once upon a time she mistakenly thought the tattoo I was going to get was a blue rose when I told her directly that I was going to get a dragon and tiger tattoo)
And I know this is going to sound funny when I say this but she literally had a public freak out when she saw a pair of pentagram earrings (I am not joking) she recited bible quotes, doing that Hail Mary cross thingy and praying in THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE making an embarrassment out of herself (and me). Yeah when she plays the victim that her husband left her when I know now the reason why her husband left her (yeah, she compared me to her family all the time, it’s very embarrassing to be compared to a stranger who I never met before and has no relation to me life).
Just in general she had no respect towards my beliefs and bullied me for my beliefs and identity (yep bullied back into the closet because of the fact I feel ashamed on who I am)
it started two years (possibly three year) ago. i just remember weeks on weeks where i’d sob in my bathroom listening to music to try to calm down. it felt like i couldn't do anything right. i was so behind on school i would just skip 50% of my homework because i was always so tired and stressed. recently i’ve been noticing myself slowly becoming more tired and stress again. its not as bad as the past year, but something feels off yk? i just remember the start of my day feeling sort of okay then just becoming unable to do anything. i think something clicked in my brain when a best friend of mine years ago completely stopped acknowledging me. they were one of my only friends and after knowing them for years they chose others over me. i dreaded it for a while but eventually got over it. then they came back into my life. i didn't understand why they had. they acted like nothing happened. i'm not sure what to do honestly. i cant tell if all those year i was over reacting. its hard knowing that others have it worse than you and not knowing if something is wrong or if somehow i'm making it up. ive also been struggling with paying attention in school and just in general. i end up daydreaming. i'm doing it so often now that its just a daily thing. i remember riding the bus every day, becoming bored, and just daydreaming about random stuff until i got home. but recently i cant stop myself from my mind wondering. it especially becomes so stressful when i just need to get homework done. TW: and sometimes i just get so frustrated that i want to grab the small knife i have and stab my arm. or i end up punching my arms and legs if i become stressed/frustrated. if you read this, thanks for listening. i just wanted to jot how i feel down. ((i haven't seen a therapist or anything so i am not diagnosed with any mental health problems. hopefully one day someone will tell me if anything is/was wrong with me. in the meanwhile if your here on this website i hope your doing alright/gen))
I feel a lot of pain in my life,
I don't know if it's to prepare me for what's yet to come, but I don't know if I can take anymore.
I'm being pushed passed my limits,
At this point I'm hanging onto life by less than a thread.
People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
But really, what doesn't kill me makes me angry and wish it had.
Why can't I just be free from pain for just a minute, that's all I'm asking.
I'm being tortured to see how long I can push for, and honestly, I feel like I'm about to collapse